My Sweet Addiction
by Falleth
Summary: Feeling himself slowly slipping away, Roy goes to his last resort using a new drug made by the military to end his depression. But will this only cause more pain? Can the ones he love save him before it’s too late? EdRoy RoyHughes


**What's with me and writing angst fics? I'm always happy and bouncy!**

**Fiction: My Sweet Addiction**

**Author: susuki**

**Pairing: Roy/Ed Ed/Roy Roy/Hughes**

**Genre: Angst, romance, smut, drama**

**Rating: R **

**Warnings: Major Roy!Angst, drug abuse, dark themes. **

**Summary: Feeling himself slowly slipping away, Roy goes to his last resort; using a new drug made by the military to end his depression. But will this only cause more pain? Can the ones he love save him before it's too late? **

White gloves painted with crimson red, smoke and heat burning his lungs. It's hard to see, there's too much fire, too many dead bodies. He raises his hand and snaps.

Again...

And again...

Screams echoed into the night, children crying and women begging. If you take all the gunshots away, all the explosions...you could almost hear his whispering pleas for forgiveness. Another snap, another bang, another dead red eyed child.

"No more..." the man whispers.

The fire destroys the homes, the families. The hope for survival. No this man created the fire, he is the one who destroyed their dreams. This monster did it.

"Please don't!" A male doctor pleaded with the state alchemist. "We never meant any harm, we're just doctors, we help anyone who is in need!"

The alchemist raises his pistol, pointing at the woman first. She cries. "Why?" She asked before the trigger was pulled taking her life away. The male doctor, her husband, faces the young soldier with tears in his eyes. The trigger was pulled again, and the man fell with his wife. Still holding a picture of his daughter wearing a pretty red dress.

"Because I am a monster,"

Roy jolts up from his bed, covering his mouth to hide his screams. Fresh tears fall from his face. Bringing his knees to his chest, he holds his head rocking back and fourth.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," He begs, he cries but no one would ever hear him except for the dead. And another night, Roy Mustang couldn't sleep, haunted by his past.

It was raining today, heavy and cold. Rain was usually Roy's worst enemy, but today he decided to walk to work. _"I deserve this," _he would say to himself over and over again. His black trench coat wasn't enough to keep him warm, but he didn't care. Even if he was soak to the bone and shivering. He would just tell himself that this was his punishment for being alive.

Roy wanted a quiet day at work. He didn't want anyone to talk to him, or touch him or even smile at him. Entering the building, he was rewarded with concern and confused looks.

"_Don't give me your pity..."_ he thought coldly to himself. One cold glare and the staff and officers looked away, afraid to test the Flames alchemist's patience. Not even bothering to take off his wet coat, Mustang continued his torturous walk to his office. Who could blame the man, when he only had an hour a sleep a day. His eating habits drastically changed as well, to only coffee to keep him up and an apple here or there. But Roy hid it well from his co-workers. Just smirk, pretend to ignore work when someone was watching him, and lie about his night outs. He never goes out no more, but who needs to know that right? One more corner to go. He stood still, and regain his posture. Taking his wet coat off he slung it over one arm. Finally replacing his tired, hurt filled face with a frown; it was time to start his day of perfect acting.

The door to Mustang's office was flung open. His subordinates turned their heads to see a very pissed off Colonel.

"So boss, how's the weather?" Havoc teased knowing that the Colonel hated anything to do with the subject of rain.

Mustang only growled, keeping his fake facade. "Shitty weather..." he mumbled loud enough for them to hear. Placing his soaked trench coat (not so gently) on the coat rack to dry, Lt Hawkeye handed him a towel to dry his hair. Really the woman cared too much for the man, always keeping small things around to make Roy more comfortable. _"I don't deserve this," _

"Thank you," he smirked back at her, "Perhaps I should wait for my clothes to dry before I do any paperwork?"

"Sir I believe you can accomplish that with or without wet clothes, besides you have a spare uniform in the back," She smiled and walked back to her desk. Before entering, a certain Maes Hughes decided to let himself in.

"Yo!"

Roy felt his heart soar hearing Maes. Roy would never admit it, but he was still madly in love with the man. Even after Hughes told him he was marrying Gracia, even after he heard the man say I do...Roy loved him, but the man did not love him well not anymore. Not the way Roy wanted to be loved.

A wave of a hand, and soon a whip like reflex of the other and Roy's face was surrounded by dozens of pictures. "Look Roy, isn't she just adorable?"

"_Please don't do this to me Maes,"_

"Hughes..."

"Look at these ones, look at her new dolly isn't she cute?"

"_Yes your daughter who you help conceived with the woman to you love is cute," _

"Hughes look I don't think..."

"C'mon Roy show a little encouragement I mean who could ignore my sweet little Elysia?"

"_Maes please love me again..."_

"Oh and Gracia, look at her from this! Last Sunday we were at the park and her laugh and smile! I am so lucky to have someone so beautiful!" By now Maes was showing off his pictures to everyone in the room.

"_You use to call me beautiful...I am worthless to you, was I not good enough for you...maybe yes that has to be it..."_

Though after a few more pictures everyone backed away, focusing on their work so the crazy man would leave them alone. So Maes went back to Roy waving picture after picture.

"Oh and look at Elysia on the swing!" Roy closed his hands into fists.

"Shut up..." Roy whispered softly.

"And look at this one she...wait what was that Roy?" Maes raised an eyebrow. Did Roy just tell him to shut up?

"Roy?" Maes placed a hand on man's shoulder, "You okay buddy?"

"That's all I am too you now...buddy...ha ha you're so funny Hughes," Slapping the man's hand away Mustang muttered something about burning his work, and hurried off to his office closing the door shut, leaving a hurt and confuse Hughes behind.

"Roy..."

Roy leaned against the door sighing. Revealing his tired face, and the pain hitting him hard once more._ "I'll start work soon...I just need...a second to think," _He thought, his body going limp against the door. _"So tired...just stop it all." _Roy blocked out the sounds from outside, lost in his own horrifying thoughts, images of Ishbal repeating over and over again. Remembering the way Hughes would kiss him and tell him it was ok. "I love you, I love you, I love you..." he murmured against the door, praying no one would hear him, begging that someone would and save him. He bit his lip so that the whimpers escaping him could not be heard from behind the dreaded door.

"I love you so much...why wont you love me Maes?" It was useless though, the man loved another, and the circumstances will never change.

Without another moment to waste on dwelling on the past Roy sat in his desk reading over the reports that needed his clarification. Suddenly his door was open and Hawkeye entered carrying a package.

"Sir this came for you just now," Leaning forward he retrieve the unknown package waving his hand as a gesture for her to leave.

"With all due respect sir, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes seems upset, did you two have a fight?"

"Dimissed," Roy said looking over his files.

"But sir I-

"I said you may leave Lieutenant,"

Saluting Riza left the room without another word.

"What the hell is this?" shrugging Mustang made up his mind ripping the light brown paper off to reveal a small box and a letter. The seal on the peculiar letter wasn't something he was familiar with, but the signature was. "Medical researcher Doctor Taka Graham," Yes now that name was indeed familiar. Most higher class state alchemist were sent to this man after the Ishbal massacre for tests to see if they were physically, or sane enough to continue work. If not they may have been required to take special dosage of a special anti-depressant created of copies of the red stone. Dr. Marcoh was once part of the research but later dismissed himself because of the possible danger of the drug. And since the mans disappearance from the military Graham has taken full responsibility of researching Marcoh's old work.

No one has sample the new drug, but according to the letter that Roy has received it seems that the tests results were a great success and the new drug may be going global soon.

"Colonel Roy Mustang, State name Flame Alchemist; your last request for the new drug RedSMethylamin a.k.a RSM has been accepted." He almost forgotten that he sent them a plea to try this so call new drug but he has been denied it many times. Now was his chance. This was Roy's solution, his answer to finally be free from pain. The damn thing was made of red stone though, and if Marcoh discontinue this project because of the possible danger of it then should Roy really be the military's guinea pig?

"I'll just...take a look that's all..." Opening the box, it revealed a white bottle container. Examining the new drug, Roy read the warning signs. "Hmm side effects may include; drowsiness, nauseousness, headaches, sore throats, and/or fevers. So I might just get a cold huh?" Amused by the harmless effects Roy popped the lid open. "I'm just looking, just looking." he kept telling himself pulling out a bright oval shape red pill.

"Take one a day eh...reaches maximal concentrations in the blood between 12 to 24 hours?" Making up his mind Roy closed his eyes, about to take the pill when there was knock at his door. "Shit..." Roy muttered closing the bottle and shoving the contents in his uniform pants before taking the letter not bothering to read the last of it and locking it in his desk drawer.

"Come in," he said loudly. And with that the door flew open, inviting a furious Fullmetal alchemist in.

"Bastard!" the boy pointed at him.

"That's Colonel bastard to you," Roy said.

"I don't give two flying fucks if your queen of the world, why the hell did you give us another fake lead!"

Feeling another migraine threatening to come Roy closed his eyes, trying to relax. "Look Fullmetal, I don't give you fake leads I-

"Don't give me that shit!" Ed fumed. "Just tell me what I need to know dammit!"

Roy stood up, his hands slamming down on the desk. "Look here you, I am trying to help ok I-

"No your not! You only care about yourself only about your damn promotions and floozy girlfriends. I've had enough of your damn excuses, you lounge away while Al and I are wasting our lives away with nothing! I'm only asking for you to help me restore what my brother and I lost!"

Ed's screams and shouts slowly ended, and the only sound that could be heard was the buzzing sound of a lone fly that was hiding from the rain. The room became an awkward silence. Roy now notice that Ed was soak and wet, the young boy must've ran straight from the train station. Sighing sadly Roy stalked over towards the prodigy child placing a hand on his shoulder grimacing from the feel of wet fabric beneath his fingertips. "I apologize Fullmetal...I...I guess I only care about myself,"

Golden orbs widen, the teenager parted his lips to say something, anything back at the Colonel but no words seemed to come out. The way Mustang look at him, a sad tired look. The man look exhausted.

"_Did he just apologize to me?"_

"Look., I didn't mean it...I was just...look I..." He was what? Sorry for accusing his superior officer for giving him fake info about a fairytale of a stone? That was wrong again, Ed was sorry for yelling at Mustang, for making him look so fragile..

"You are dismissed Fullmetal, take the week off and relax," Roy patted his head in a childish way, a sad smile gracing his features. Ed couldn't seem to take his eyes off the man. Really the Colonel had beautiful skin, a white creamy pigment that the boy knew was soft as silk. Dark raven locks that feather lightly around his perfect face, and midnight eyes that held a deep sapphire color. Feeling a blush threatening to show Ed tilted his away head mumbling bastard under his breath. It was true, he had always admire the man, soon that admiration turned into a crush. And now Edward Elric was in love with Roy Mustang. Wait a week off?

"Wait a damn minute, did you just gave me some vacation time?" Roy's rare smile slowly faded away.

"I wish I could do more for you Edward..." With that said, Mustang left Ed's side not noticing the boy's slight disappointment, leaving the office. Blinking once, then twice Edward felt his eye twitch.

"That bastard!"

"Hawkeye, I'm going to take some time off today...something came up and..." Shaking his head he left the room ignoring Hughes along the way.

"Wait did he just leave?" Havoc popped his head from his work. Riza nodded slight concern washing over her face.

Maes lowered his sadly, "Roy...what's wrong with you..."

The day continued to rain, and throughout the morning it rain, and the afternoon it rain, and even in the evening it rain. Roy lying on his couch still wearing his uniform with the jacket popped open, facing the ceiling. Debating whether or not he should drink the rest of his whiskey. He winced, seeing Fullmetal, the boy yelled at him and blamed him.

"My fault...I can do so much more...so much," Looking across the room, his eyes fixed on the bottle of pills sitting comfortably on the end table. Maybe he shouldn't...it was dangerous. But...

"_Monster!!"_

"Yes...I am a monster,"

"_Freak!"_

"I know..."

"_Killer, you killed all those children! You don't deserve any happiness!"_

"I deserve nothing,"

"_Why?"_

"Because I'm worthless...Maes doesn't want me because I'm worthless, I can't Edward because I'm worthless..."

Shakily he stood up, walking to wards the bottle. He opened it slowly, mesmerized by the shiny tablets. Without another thought he swallowed it whole. Roy waited for a minute, expecting something to happen...nothing.

He still felt hurt and useless, and the depressing wouldn't leave him.

"Maybe nothing can help me," Muttering angrily, he strode off to bed, slipping between the bed sheets. Another night of horrific dreams.

Before closing midnight eyes, Roy inhaled deeply, the scent of Hughes still lingered on his uniform. Letting out the breath he was holding Roy trace his face with his fingers, imagining that it was Maes' hands.

"Maes..."

Stretching back, Roy let his free hand slide down his chest, rubbing gently against his hard abs through his shirt. "Mmm so good Maes...so good," He missed the man so much, that his head started to ache. Blinking Roy felt tears rolling down his cheek. "I miss you so much!" Roy sobbed, shaking slightly. Curling up in a ball, holding his head with his hands. Feeling disgusted that he had to pretend to be happy. Always pretend. Sleep began to take him in strong arms.

"Goodnight Maes...goodnight Edward..."


End file.
